I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats