i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
girls literally only want one thing..
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Chicken bread
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.