My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
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“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married