if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
#parenting
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.