A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
What an awful time to have common sense.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti