My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
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The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.