For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
You Might Also Like
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Sell your car
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.