Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
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I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.