Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
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Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.