Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.