“just sayin” who asked you though?
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You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.