If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.