You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
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American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?