I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
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(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Best spot.. 😅
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second