the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf