Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
You Might Also Like
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????