5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
This guy’s not having it 😆
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
lmao
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.