Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Dietest Coke
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.