I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Stick it to the man
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?