watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
How about daylight saves us for once
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.