@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
You Might Also Like
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this