Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers