Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
He’s cranky this morning
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
#Caturday