I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
You Might Also Like
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.