Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.