Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
i actually laughed 😩
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”