“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
How much for the goth pool noodles?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.