Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
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I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period