A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
You Might Also Like
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.