Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
#ProTip
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
it be like that
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.