Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”