“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
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This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
honestly, i need both:
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Yep.
Unexpected Judgment