In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
This made me chuckle.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”