My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Me too 😆
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO