Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
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Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine