Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
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Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
The 6 types of sex
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones