2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
scenes of unspeakable carnage
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.