microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.