Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
is this a warning or an offer?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.