ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
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The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
😬
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Meow