We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Would you wear it?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
LMAO.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda