I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
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Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Life hack
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!