It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.