My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political