Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
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It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
January has been Januweary
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so