Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
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Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen