Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”