Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
How to draw a duck
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.