*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Found a free bandaid at the pool.