I feel attacked.
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I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A French press is when you hug naked
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”